Over the past couple months, I have been conducting a study on self compassion and its effect on inner-criticism, shame and anxiety. Through both research and personal experiences, I can say that self compassion has a significant effect on mood, empathy, motivation and confidence. Practicing self-compassion has been shown to reduce inner criticism, self-loathing, shame, anxiety and depression while increasing, empathy, self-efficacy, motivation, resilience and self-esteem without breeding narcissism, self-centeredness and selfishness. When I practice self-compassion I neither deny or amplify the suffering I am experiencing—I can be aware of my inner-critic, without allowing these voices and uncomfortable feelings hijack me.

Personally I have a loud inner critic and as a wellness educator and yoga teacher I get asked about how to work with inner criticism and difficult emotions all the time.  One of the most empowering things I have learned is that these difficult emotions are part of the human experience; they are not personal. Avoiding, rejecting, judging, repressing or numbing them actually enhances them, which eventually leads to destructive/unethical behavior. Learning (or unlearning) how to experience emotions in a less apprehensive or guarded way allows these feelings to become messengers instead of hijackers. Understanding the importance of “emotional intelligence” and emotional regulation on behavior, self-esteem and wellness I have become interested in how we can experience our difficult emotions without feeling overwhelmed or ashamed. Personally I have found that mindfulness practices can sometimes make me feel worse, more critical and anxious and through research discovered that there are some limitations to these practices especially for those who have experienced trauma, or high amounts of inner criticism and shame. How can we accept the “imperfections” and “messy” as a part of the human experience without criticism, judgement or denial? This curiosity has led me to the self-compassion practices and how they can fortify our self-care and mindfulness practices allowing us to breakthrough and become more resilient versus breaking down, criticizing, judging and blaming.

I have also been extremely interested in what motivates behavior, especially “self-improvement” and or “goal setting”. What I have discovered is that much of our so called “self-improvement” is just self-hate in disguise. Who we are being is also what we are becoming, and if we enter these self-care practices or set goals with beliefs of “not good enough”, “broken”, “bad”, “ugly”, “I will be worthy of love when”, “I will feel better about myself if”.….. then we are feeding shame and inner criticism. Fear begets fear, lack fuels more lack and like a rat in the wheel we spend our life chasing external forms of gratification, yet true satisfaction and fulfilment seems elusive. How can we make our self-care practices about self-love versus self-hate—honoring, nurturing and respecting versus fixing, forcing and improving? Once again this question led me in the direction of cultivating an internal focus of self-compassion that facilitates soothing, contentment and inner peace—I can feel whole, complete, content and satisfied without needing to “do” or achieve anything. When I set an intention or “goals” from this place, they are more “aligned” with my heart than it is about chasing external validation.

My intention for writing this month’s blog and sharing some of my personal experience and research is to empower you with some education on the neuro-biology and psychology of inner-criticism and shame in addition to sharing some personal tools that I (and research) have found to be effective in relating to these experiences and rewiring the panel of assholes (inner critic).

Improving self-compassion involves developing a kind and understanding relationship with yourself, especially during times of difficulty or self-criticism. Here are some examples of ways to enhance self-compassion:

  1. Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness meditation or exercises to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness helps you observe your thoughts and emotions with greater clarity and kindness.
  2. Speak to Yourself Kindly: When you make a mistake or face a challenge, speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Replace harsh self-criticism with compassionate self-talk.
  3. Write Self-Compassionate Letters: Write letters to yourself as if you were offering comfort and support to a close friend going through a tough time. This can help you adopt a more caring perspective toward yourself.
  4. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your self-talk and notice when you’re being self-critical. Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with understanding and encouragement.
  5. Practice Self-Kindness: Engage in self-care activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit. Treat yourself to activities you enjoy without guilt or judgment.
  6. Embrace Imperfection: Accept that making mistakes and having flaws are part of being human. Embrace imperfection as an opportunity for growth rather than a reason for self-criticism.
  7. Forgive Yourself: Let go of past mistakes and forgive yourself for any wrongdoings. Holding onto guilt or resentment towards yourself only hinders your personal growth.
  8. Set Realistic Expectations: Avoid setting impossibly high standards for yourself. Set achievable goals and recognize that you’re doing your best given the circumstances.
  9. Practice Self-Compassionate Breathing: During moments of stress or anxiety, take slow, deep breaths while silently repeating kind and supportive phrases to yourself.
  10. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you’re struggling. Connecting with others and sharing your feelings can foster a sense of belonging and self-compassion.
  11. Focus on Common Humanity: Recognize that everyone faces challenges and experiences setbacks. Remember that you’re not alone in your struggles, and others have gone through similar difficulties.
  12. Self-Compassionate Journaling: Keep a journal where you document moments of self-compassion and progress. Reflect on how you’ve treated yourself kindly and acknowledge your growth.
  13. Practice Gratitude: Regularly express gratitude for the positive aspects of your life. This can help shift your focus away from self-criticism and toward self-appreciation.
  14. Engage in Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your strengths, achievements, and moments of resilience. Acknowledge your efforts and celebrate your successes.
  15. Use Visualization Techniques: Imagine a compassionate and nurturing figure or presence offering you support and encouragement during challenging times.

Grab a tea…….this is going to be a long one (perhaps it will land itself in a book soon (ish) or a week long retreat called BEology: The science of inner peace and the art of living like you give a F%&k  …….wink wink)

”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.” Brené Brown

By Michelle Thoret.

Read more about Michelle’s powerful story at empoweredyoga.ca